{"id":6896,"date":"2012-06-22T16:53:27","date_gmt":"2012-06-22T21:53:27","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/themagicalbuffet.com\/blog1\/2012\/06\/19\/"},"modified":"2012-06-22T16:53:27","modified_gmt":"2012-06-22T21:53:27","slug":"ego-comes-home-to-a-break-up-letter","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/themagicalbuffet.com\/blog1\/?p=6896","title":{"rendered":"Ego Comes Home to a Break Up Letter"},"content":{"rendered":"

By John Ptacek<\/p>\n

Dear Ego,<\/p>\n

I\u2019m breaking up with you.<\/p>\n

No more circular discussions, no more eleventh hour recriminations. We\u2019re through. <\/p>\n

This is not an emotional decision. Actually, it doesn\u2019t feel like a decision at all. We\u2019ve been drifting apart for quite some time now, and more than anything I\u2019m just acknowledging the distance between us. Whatever kept us together just isn\u2019t there anymore. <\/p>\n

It won\u2019t do you any good to turn on the charm. Don\u2019t bother trying to fill my head with thoughts about how great we are together or how lost I\u2019ll be without you. You no longer have that kind of power over me. I see right through you now. I look, and there\u2019s nothing there. <\/p>\n

It took me a long time to figure you out. Like so many other unhappy couples I know, we drifted into our own little world and for the longest time I mistook it for reality. If you asked me to pinpoint the day this shift occurred, I couldn\u2019t, because it happened so long ago. But I vaguely remember what life was like before I met you. Actually, it\u2019s more a feeling than a memory. A feeling of freedom. Not a \u201cI-have-a-whole-weekend-in-front-of-me-with-no-plans\u201d kind of freedom, but something different altogether. It\u2019s more a sense of spaciousness, the kind children must feel before their heads become filled with worldly nonsense, before their sense of wonder contracts, before they begin to imitate the behavior of the troubled souls around them.<\/p>\n

I can feel that sense of spaciousness right now when I close my eyes and forget that I have a body. It\u2019s like I\u2019m not even a person anymore, I\u2019m just this space that goes on forever. <\/p>\n

I don\u2019t expect any of this makes sense to you. It never has before. You always have to define things, slot them into categories. But this isn\u2019t something that is easily explained. It\u2019s beyond words– I know, I know, you hate it when I talk like this, when I challenge your black and white view of things. You always get really quiet. <\/p>\n

In the old days I would have misinterpreted your silence. I would have felt wrong, even a little crazy, for expressing myself like this. Now that silence suggests something different. It suggests that I threaten you. Am I right? And your silnece tells me something else, something really important. It tells me that I\u2019m perfectly capable of living on my own. When your voice dies away, my voice appears. It’s just there. It’s probably been there the whole the time, but you were always drowning it out. It\u2019s a clear voice. A strong voice. I\u2019m going to be just fine without you. <\/p>\n

My friends think I\u2019m crazy. They wonder what I\u2019m going to do without you. They\u2019ve seen what happens when we\u2019re together, the crazy highs and lows, the bizarre behavior, but they still question my decision. This really throws me until I remind myself what it was like to live in an unhealthy relationship. You don\u2019t know it\u2019s unhealthy, and that\u2019s the problem. You talk about happiness but you never never get to touch it. It\u2019s something that\u2019s supposed to happen in the future. Month after month, year after year, you think \u2013 it\u2019ll get better, we’ll work this out. But it doesn’t get better. It can\u2019t. Sick relationships like ours don\u2019t get better, they just get sicker. <\/p>\n

It\u2019s a small world and no doubt we\u2019ll be running into each other. I guess it\u2019s more \u201csee you around\u201d then it is \u201cgoodbye\u201d. At the right distance, we\u2019ll be fine. I need to be far enough away from you to hear the sound of my own voice. I actually wouldn\u2019t mind your company once in a while, like when I\u2019m fixing the sink or packing for a trip. We get along pretty well in those instances. But this time around, you\u2019ll need an invitation. You can\u2019t just come barging in. You don\u2019t live here anymore. <\/p>\n

Pack up your things and leave your key on the table. When I come home later, all I want to hear is the sound of you being gone. I to melt into the silence. I want to lose track of where I begin and end, and this time I will do it with my eyes open. You said something once. You said I\u2019m nothing without you. Remember? Well, you were right. I am nothing without you. Thank you for helping me discover this important truth.<\/p>\n

Love always.<\/p>\n

$\"\"$ <\/a>About John Ptacek:<\/strong>
\nMy life has been enriched by the teachings of wise men and women, and my essays attempt to demystify these sometimes cryptic teachings so that more may be exposed to their wisdom. They appear on my website, On Second Thought, www.johnptacek.com<\/a>. I live in Wisconsin with my wife, Kitty.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"