Exorcising Some Musical Demons

At work the other day I’m listening to a web radio station when John Mayer’s “Your Body is a Wonderland” comes on. I immediately hit the skip button on the player to go to the next song. My boss kind of looks at me and I say “I can’t stand Mayer. He can go to hell.” My boss is used to this kind of random and irrational behavior on my part so I follow up with, “You know who else can go straight to hell? Fred Durst.” “You have quite the list over there, don’t you?” my boss asks. To which I respond, “A little over six years in music retail? Heck yeah I have a list.” That’s when it occurred to me that it’s time to purge my pent up musical frustrations, exorcise my demons, and maybe, just maybe move on with my life. So here is my long and winding (and whining) list of grievances, justifications, and perhaps a few props from my years in music retail.

First, I feel I should clarify, when I say that someone should go to hell, I don’t mean it literally. I don’t believe in hell. I’m just using it as a way to sum up the concept that I feel they should be recognized for annoying me in some very real way. Enjoy!

A person that definitely should not go to hell, but should be mentioned with a serious strike against her is Madonna. I love Madonna, but you don’t, I repeat, you DO NOT cover the song “American Pie.” And if, for some reason that I cannot divine, you do cover this absolute classic song, you do not turn it into a lullaby for some damn movie you’re in. “American Pie” was why God gave us Don McLean, leave his song alone!

Fred Durst, leave Pink Floyd’s music alone! I’m Fred Durst, I’m going to cover “Wish You Were Here” but I’m going to change…that’s right, CHANGE, some of the words to turn it into a tribute. Screw you Durst, Elton John (and Bernie Taupin) managed to write “Candle in the Wind” and he’ll drag that sucker out for any tragedy and not have to change a damn word. Learn to write a song. Oh, and honestly, he could go to hell anyway pretty much for existing. But don’t worry, the other members of Limp Bizkit are totally off the hook. Satan just wants Durst.

Ah, Bob Carlise’s “Butterfly Kisses.” What a sweet tribute to a father watching his daughter grow up. It brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it? Of course it does, he pulls on all the heart strings. Perhaps that’s why it seems that every woman uses that song for their father daughter dance at their wedding. Now I’m not saying that the song isn’t appropriate, but what I want to stress is that it seems EVERY woman picks that song. When a woman would come in and ask for that album for her wedding I would think to myself, so you and your father have absolutely no common bond, no shared memories, no personal connection. So instead of picking something personal, you’re going to borrow Carlise’s sappy song to compensate for that. Me, I used Paul Simon’s “Still Crazy After All These Years.” So, um, bite me.

The lead singer of Creed, Scott Stapp, he and his I’m Jesus fixation can seriously go to hell….much the route of his career, thank you Lord. It was hard for me to realize that this guy needed to go to hell because “My Own Prison” is one of the best songs ever, but all that standing around with the arms out, ego ballooned up nice and big…he gets to go to hell.

Come on people, what the hell does Juliette Lewis have to do to get her second album released in the U.S.? The first Juliette and the Licks album kicked ass! If there is room at your local music store for Dogstar (Keanu Reeves), 30 Odd Foot of Grunt (Russell Crowe), and the Bacon Brothers (Kevin Bacon, and not too bad actually), there can certainly be a little space for the follow up to one of the best chick rock albums, strike that, best rock albums of 2005.

It’s a long story, but the lead singer of Live, can go to hell. I paid to see a concert, not listen to you ramble on and on while the band I’m waiting to see is stuck in back waiting for you to SHUT THE HELL UP!

And how is it I’m the only person who loves the song “Lapdance” by N.E.R.D.? It compares politicians to strippers, has a rap that cleverly involves the word cockpit, and they totally rubbed some funk on it! Someone, please, buy the album “In Search of….” It’s good…really.

This brings us to John Mayer. Why oh why Rebecca would you have anything bad to say about Mayer? (Pausing to take a deep breath.) Let me start with there may be something wrong with me as a woman. I can’t style my hair. I didn’t care for the movie “Titanic”. And, I would love to punch John Mayer in the face. That damn song “Your Body is a Wonderland.” You know what John, I know my body isn’t a wonderland (for those of you curious, I would say Jenna Jameson’s body is a wonderland), so stuff it. I have heard my share of “I wanna get laid” music but for some reason this one offends me to my very core. Maybe it’s because I’m not right as a woman, but a song like “Because I Want You” by Placebo, or “Washin and Wonderin” by Stroke 9 would be more likely to make me drop my pants for a guy than that steamin’ pile bull crap. I mean, it’s working on Jessica Simpson…JESSICA SIMPSON! I’m smarter than THAT, right?

So there you have it, love it or hate it, I feel a little better for the sharing. Who knows, perhaps one day I’ll amuse you with the story of why “Our Lady Peace” can go to hell. Or, how the Scissor Sisters absolutely SHOULDN’T go to hell for covering “Comfortably Numb”. Until then, I’m going to enjoy the feeling of a heavy load having been lifted from my shoulders.