Vampires. They’re everywhere you look these days. Not to sound all old grandma on you, but back in the day all a girl had to get her vampire fix with was a beat up VHS of “The Lost Boys”, a pirated copy of “Near Dark” (which was directed by Kathryn Bigelow, who just won the Oscar for “The Hurt Locker”, thank you very much), and some new type of game called “Vampire: The Masquerade”. It’s true young female readers, there was a time when rarely was a vampire pined for by adoring masses. They were bloody, they were cruel, and they never shined like Robert Pattinson covered in diamond dust. And no, I won’t be slamming on “Twilight” here. I get it. If I was 13 years-old again I could easily imagine me replacing my dreams of marrying Wil Wheaton or Jonathon Knight of New Kids on the Block with spending eternity with Edward. That is his name, right? Lord I am old.

However, for as jarring as it may be for 13 year-old girls to come to terms with Kiefer Sutherland biting into a guy’s skull like it’s an overly ripe cantaloupe, yes, Jack Bauer was once an evil vampire, it may be even harder for the collective consciousness of our society to get a handle on what vampires were like really way back in the day. There is a secret history of vampires, and there is only one man, in my opinion, who is qualified to educate us.